The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Randomize
