Sober January is a disaster.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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