seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
