you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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