I hate all girls vehemently.
i was born a porn star she said
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
