I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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