if you like me you must not know who I am
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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