pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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