You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
