Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
