I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize