I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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