While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
