I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
