I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
My pussy is not your playground.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Randomize
