70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
