Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
