I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
