Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
