What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
How's work?
Spinning.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
