Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
i out mim tonsoeep
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
