Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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