Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
