just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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