I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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