you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize