I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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