Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Welp...herpes.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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