The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
