Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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