I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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