and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
