he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Damn victory sex feels great
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
