I accidentally burped into my bong.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
