Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
