what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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