you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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