so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
