If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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