My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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