I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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