Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
