Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
