She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
