Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
