Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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