It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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