I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
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