You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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