When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
