I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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