I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
