2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
